My heart breaks a little each day from overwhelming sadness but is also overwhelmed by joy as I notice my daughter turning into this wonderful and beautiful girl and then my mind wonders what she will be like when she’s a young lady/ young woman. I hope she’s humble, kind, generous, loving, thoughtful, outgoing, fearless, a leader and so much more. She’s an amazing girl and it awes me how her mind works and how she comes up with all her reasonings for everything in this world. In a way she is like her father, completely and utterly a chatter box. She’s outgoing and fearless like him too. However the majority of her is made up of me. She’s headstrong, stubborn, intuitive, cautious, she sacrifices things she wants for others needs and most of all she’s loving. For example with her baby brother, Augie it’s through cuddling, kisses, hugs, and caring for his needs the best she knows how. With her other brother, Eli it’s through rough housing and comforting him when he is scared. He’s always been “Bubba” to her and she’d take on anyone or anything who ever tried to harm him. With a shy little girl on the playground at school it’s making sure she won’t leave her side so that a little girl isn’t left out no matter what my daughter is really wanting to go do. She also talks so much she earned the nickname “and a” because her stories never end. They are never boring and always entertaining. She can’t keep a secret to save her life. To Peyton, holding in a secret is like holding in a sneeze. Without a doubt one of the most amazing girl I know.
All that being said… watching her grow and blossom with each year has me thinking back when I was younger. How I wish I could take back every hateful thing I ever said to my mother. I didn’t know what I said would hurt her and I didn’t know my actions would hurt her. Not physically no, but emotionally. A mother’s love is one amazing thing. You could be a complete and utter brat, yelling and screaming, stubborn and stupid, prideful and pitiful all at once but it wouldn’t phase her love for you. It wouldn’t phase her loving actions towards you. And once you came to the realization your mother is in fact right. she doesn’t hold it over your head when you come to apologize. In fact what happens is she holds you close, tells you how much she loves you and tells you how sorry she is for what you are going through. Nothing you could do would tarnish that love.
Watching my daughter has me realizing there will be a day she wont want me too close. There will be a day that I wont get a random “I love you”, a random hug or a “can I sleep with you guys, I’m a little scared?” There will come a day where me ,her mom, will not understand her because I was never young and there isn’t anyway I’d understand what she is going through. Those statements I use to shout or think are now just so ridiculous. Who better to help you through tough times than your mother who turns out was young once and knows exactly what you are going through. It breaks my heart to know my daughter will have a first real crush and a first real heartbreak. How I wish she could skip the Heart ache that comes with growing up, yet it’s something that can’t be ignored. I can only hope she isn’t too prideful and stubborn to come to me with all her heartache. I hope she takes my advice to heart and really thinks about it before she decides anything. I hope she comes to me anytime she has questions about life like she does now. We live in a time now where you just google everything. Google is not your friend people, it’s just not.
I will miss the “I’m just so itchy…Momma will you scratch my back”, “Momma can you please paint my nails and my toes”, “Momma we need to get away from these boys for a day”,and “can you braid my hair”. I wonder if my mom still longs for the days when I was younger. The days where I needed my back scratched, wanted to be rocked,or wanted my hair braided. Does she still look at me as if I’m little and fragile the way I do Peyton? Will I always see my daughter as a little girl? Right now we are a few weeks from her turning 7 and I still look at her as if she is 3 years old. Then when I take my “mom goggles” off I see her as this amazing girl who is reading books… actual books… not baby books. I hope she never loses that love for it. Reading wasn’t easy for me and I didn’t fall in love with it until I was an adult.
One thing I do know is I’m doing my best and I pray I don’t screw this up.